Last week as I reflected on Ben’s sermon regarding the issue of forgiveness, I thought not only of my own experiences in this area, but also of several clients I have had the privilege to counsel. I thought about Samuel who walked into the counseling office to obtain help for depression that was negatively affecting all areas of his life, including his relationship with God and his wife. Jamie sought help to find relief from depression and anxiety that she felt were caused by the chronic pain she lives with daily due to a botched surgery in her teen years. As we explored what was going on in their lives and reached deeper into the issues of their hearts, both were surprised when they realized that the pain and darkness they had been experiencing for years was rooted in their choice to not forgive, either self or others.
Continuing to live with an unforgiving heart hurts the one who is wounded more than the one who did the wounding. It creates a barrier in our relationship with God. Jesus told us to forgive others that we too might be forgiven (Luke 6:37), to settle matters with a brother we are at odds with before we come to the altar to worship (Matthew 5:23-24) and if you go to pray and realize you are holding a grudge against someone, forgive him (Mark 11:25). God knows that a heart unable to offer forgiveness to others is a heart separated from him. Physical, emotional and mental symptoms may also manifest themselves in a person who does not seek forgiveness, which was the case for both Samuel and Jamie. Our attitudes and perspectives on life change due to the bitterness we are carrying around. It even causes us to erect walls in other relationships because we tend to be wary of being vulnerable again for fear of being hurt. Therefore, we settle for superficial relationships where others are not allowed to know us authentically.
Most people choose not to forgive because they have misconceptions about what that means. For example, some feel that offering forgiveness means that what the other person did or said is okay, that you are condoning the behavior. Some feel offering forgiveness means you then have to let that person back into your life and go on as if nothing ever happened. Still others feel that forgiving makes them a doormat and opens them up to being used over and over again. However, my understanding and experience of forgiveness is that it says I recognize that we are all sinners living in a broken world where we all make mistakes (intentional or not). I recognize that I have hurt others just as often and as deeply as I have been hurt, and therefore am in need of being forgiven. Most importantly, offering forgiveness says that I choose to offer the grace of Christ to others as it has been offered to me and trust Him to dole out any necessary justice or consequences.
Did you notice the word “choose” in the previous sentence? That is one important truth about forgiveness--it is a choice. Forgiveness is an unnatural act for us because of our sinful nature, but if we choose to walk into it, we will find that we are being made more and more into the image of Jesus Christ because our choices are aligning with his character. (1998, Parrott, “Relationships”) In Ben’s sermon last week, he talked about Jesus making the choice as he hung on the Cross to forgive those around him--those who were mocking him, casting lots for his clothing, and even those who put the nails in his hands and feet. He made a conscious, deliberate choice to forgive them when He could just as easily have turned them back into dust. What is unnatural for us is natural for the One who created us and gave his life so that we might know forgiveness and reconciliation.
A second truth regarding forgiveness is that it is a journey; it doesn’t happen overnight. In fact it may mean thousands of little and big choices made daily to offer forgiveness to another or to oneself. In the beginning, you may not “feel” like you have forgiven, but as you continue to make these choices over time, surrendering to the One who has completely forgiven you, you will notice your heart following your mind. At some point along this journey, you will realize just as Samuel and Jamie did, that you have released yourself and the other person from the bondage of an unforgiving spirit and that you are once again free. For that is why Jesus came, to offer us freedom (Galatians 5:1) and abundant life (John 10:10).
“Forgiveness is love practiced among people who love poorly.” Henri Nouwen
